life with WE

And once again, you give me a pain, Elaine.

I'd say that Elaine is one of the most exhausting children on the planet, but I'm sure there are several that could give her a serious run for the money.  (What does that even mean, run for the money?  Whatever.)  So I won't say she's the most exhausting, but I will say that I am exhausted.

This school year is proving to be quite a challenge.  Fourth grade is hard, and Elaine fights change like she's fighting for her life.  She's harder on herself than Mike or I could ever be.  She so desperately wants people to be proud of her, worries what others think or might think, and is a real stickler for kids to follow the teacher's rules.  If she can't master something the first time, well then, throw in the towel because she's never gonna get it.  This from the same girl who totally fell for all of that positive reinforcement her dad gave her while training for her 5k.  Yet for some reason, she can't apply it to school.

See?  Exhausting.

So I cut her some slack the first quarter of school.  It was harder, she seemed to be behind in math and geography skills, she was worried, Mike was traveling more and I went back to work full-time.  I helped her as often as I could.  We'd rework problems that were wrong and I'd try to explain why they were wrong.  We practiced multiplication and map skills.  I talked about the big picture - slowing down, checking your work, making sure your answer truly answered the question.

And now?

Now she's back at the same sloppy mistakes.  She's looking at an atlas and can't see what's in front of her.  She doesn't remember if a paper is required for her poster project, and decides to freak out about that the MORNING IT IS DUE.  But she can tell you who didn't follow the rules in class that day.  Who has time to learn when you have to police all of your classmates?  And so I wind up annoyed and angry.  I'm trying to contain it as I ask her to show me the equator and then explain to me how she thinks it's possible that South America is completely  north of the equator?

Bang your head on the table.  Go ahead.  I did.

BUT then...  Then you read her writing and you can't help but want to squeeze her and hug her and call her George.  In everything she writes, her emotions are right there at the surface.  They recently had to write answering prompts about themselves.  Who is Elaine?  What does she want?  Who will she be when she grows up?

Some excerpts from that writing:

Elaine wants a best friend that is kind.  She'll get her degree at work at her mom's work.  She loves her family more than anything, and she'd love to see her Aunt Barbara just one more time.  She wants everyone to be happy all of the time and for people in the world to be nice to each other.

Do you see?

She's exhausting.  Wonderfully exhausting.  But exhausting nonetheless.

Deep thoughts - NOT.

I know that you can't teach an old dog new tricks.   But can you remind an old dog of the same old tricks she once knew?

If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around, does it still make a sound?  If a stay at home mom goes back to work full time after a ten year hiatus, will her brain still work?

These are the pressing questions that have held me back from blogging lately.  Yes, I've returned to the workforce, full time.  Yikes.  And yes, I assumed it would take me no time to adjust to a full time work week and that I'd have this new job mastered in the blink of an eye and that it would be totally fine if Mike had to go out of town for work.  Can you guess what happened/what is happening?

Yep - on the verge of a breakdown or freakout. 

But, I know it.  So there's comfort in that.  At least that's what I tell myself, and anyone who looks at my wild-eyed fear-filled face with worry.

I swear, I once knew how to work and how to have a career.  But in my defense?  I've not done it since children, or for that matter, while having had said children.  So I'm not quite sure how to make all of this work.  I have no doubt it can be done, but getting it done seems really REALLY difficult at times.  I know many of you have done this forever.  You know what?  You all rock!  And amaze me!  And can you help me? 

In a month?  This will all be old hat, and it will seem as if I've been working forever.  I'm sur eof it.  Meanwhile, for the next month, I'm going to need to plan more breaks from reality like our bikeride to the wineries and a bed and breakfast this past Saturday.  Because for that glorious day, I forgot all about my to-dos.  And in forgetting those to-dos, nothing got to-done, and no one cared.  No one.  It all waited. 

It all can wait.  I'm one person, and I can only do so much.  Meanwhile, it feels like I'm half-assing all of it - the job, parenthood, and being a wife.  This will all click in no time, and I'll be able to run with the big dogs rather than sitting on the porch.

(Busted.  I just tossed that one in there to see if it would even stick.  It didn't.  But I'm leaving it.)