Life here at House of WE has changed these last two weeks. Good changes, I think, but regardless, adjustments have been required.
I have taken a second part-time job. In addition to working for my friend, I'm working at an office two days a week. Those two days require me to leave before the kids get on the bus and to be home after the kids are home. Mike's sales job is flexible so he's able to get them on the bus and after. I have had to quit my regular volunteering up at the kids' school, because it's never the same day each week and it's too hard to manage the schedule.
This is all unacceptable to one Miss Elaine.
It's been all of two weeks and her world is shaken to the core, or so she thinks. The amount of tears and weeping is ridiculous, and it's just for show. Becuase when it comes down to it, once I'm gone, she's great for Mike going to the bus. When she gets home and Mike's the one who is here, she goes about her business as usual - snacks and then playing with her friends outside. Just as she would do if I were home. But in the evenings, she boo hoos. And begs for cuddles. And begs for it all to be as it once was.
"I just want you stay at home and wait for me while I'm at school. I want you to volunteer at school again. When we have enough money, can do you do that? Just wait for me? I need to see your face when I walk in the door." Those are her demands.
Morning time is similar. She's pouty, and prone to weepiness. It makes for a fun departure. This isn't necessarily pulling at my heart strings; it's more annoying than anything else. I know this will all fall into place and things will run smoother in no time. However, in the now time? It's a hot mess. Elaine's crying. I'm on the edge - I can't get my act together in the evenings. Mike's stepped up his game - busting ass on laundry and dinners. Warren? I don't even think he's aware. God love a ten year old boy. If it's not on his ipod touch, he doesn't see it or hear it.
I've had to apologize for being bitchy. Mike and my sisters seem to be taking the brunt of it. I'm so frustrated with myself that this is so hard for me to manage. I mean for the love of Pete, it's not rocket science. People work full time jobs - bazillion hours a week - and I can't pull it together for a total of like 24 and still run my life? I'm a control freak. I feel when Mike does the laundry I'm indebted to him. I know that I am not. He's always helped. But my house is kind of messy, the laundry keeps piling up, I can't get to my fave Zumba classes, and I'm tired and stressed. I see Mike doing the laundry and I feel like a failure. It's absurd. My mind is absurd. It's amazing the things Zoloft can do for anxiety, but it's got nothing on cuckoo thought. I'm so frustrated by myself and yet I know any change can throw things off for a bit.
Ugh, I'm exhausted and whiny.
Oh and when I used to volunteer at school? Part of that time I spent with a kindergarten class. Each of those kids made me a card thanking me and telling me they missed me. Ohmagawd, I cried like a baby reading those.
It'll all be okay. These changes, they are good for all of us. My kids are learning more independence, I'm helping out more financially - in very small ways, but whatever, and I'm learning to let go. As is Mike. He says everyone's made it where they are supposed to go this week, we're all wearing clean clothes and we've managed to have dinner each night. Mark those in the win column and call this week done.
Next week is a new one.
I'm closing the comments because if any of you tell me to suck it up, I might lose it. Even though I know I absolutely need to suck it up, I can't bear to hear it right now. You now? I'm yelling it at myself. Trust me.
Comments