life with WE

Warren's heaven...

Yesterday at our mother's day celebration, Warren got to put on my Uncle Tom's Cardinals World Series ring.  It's the real deal.  One step down from the one the players get.  He (Tom) is an electrician at Busch Stadium.

Please note that Warren is wearing his Yadier Molina 360 shirt under his David Freese jersey, as well as his Cardinals bracelet.  Because that's the kind of fan he is.  And also please note my godkid/cousin Cody appearing in the background!

Elaine also had to touch the bling.

Hooray for Uncle Tom!  I'm sure that ring makes the 90 hour work weeks totally worth it.  :)

 

It's all okay now. Hooray!

My family went camping this weekend to a place we go at least once a year with our friends and their kids - Camp Ondessonk, in the Shawnee National Forest.

It was JUST what I needed.

Anxiety lessened.  Senses overwhelmed with nature.  Bug bites all over my children – check.  Blisters on Elaine from wearing too small of crocs as she played in the creek?  Check.  Spirit?  Restored.

Although it was hot, humid, and the air didn’t move at times; we had a blast.  As the adults chatted on lawn chairs away from the fire - the kids created a “kid zone”, which was in the creek near our units.  Adults weren’t allowed as they frolicked in the creek, climbed rocks, and captured frogs,  baby turtles, tadpoles and crawdads.  (Crayfish?  Crawfish?  Whatever, those tiny black lobster looking things you can find in creeks in Missouri and Illinois.)  We hiked.  We saw the supermoon through a telescope.  We were swarmed by bugs, but we ate, drank, had adult conversation, sang kid songs, made s’mores, listened to the Beastie Boys (RIP ‘MCA’ Adam Yauch) and just re-charged.  It is so awesome to realize that you are not alone.  You have friends living parallel lives to you – struggling with their kids, laughing with/at their kids, managing this crazy life we all lead.  We laugh over college memories; such an easier time – but so glad to be where we are now.

It was exactly what the doctor ordered.

And then last night, I sank into bed, so very happy to be home, on a soft bed, not being swarmed by bugs searching for exposed skin, and in the cool air conditioning.  Long live AC!  I love me some filtered cool air.  I’m ready to face the week!

A peek inside my brain. You might want to run!

Today my anxiety is in overdrive.

This week is bananas, schedule wise.  Additionally, I have started a new workout thingy (more on that in a later post) which now three days in, hurts.  A good hurt, but nonetheless hurts.  Today I would love to call in sick from life, huddle down in my bed, and read a book.  Escape from the world.  You know?  And when I was finished, all of my to-do’s would be magically to-done! 

My crazy brain makes even the most non important tasks seem life threatening at times.  And I put more tasks upon myself than anyone ever possibly could.  Mike will offer to help, to ease the burden, but I can’t even tell him all the tasks going on in my head because he would tell me to skip one or two or twenty and I can’t accept that.  I just can’t.  It’s failure.  The pressure I put on myself to do it all and do it the best is ridiculous.  And in a day or two, I will know that and be disappointed that I wasted a day feeling like this. 

I KNOW this is crazy.  I take my medication regularly and talk myself down as often as I can.  I think I’m definitely making progress letting go of something things, facing other things I hate head on and what not.  But today, the crazy is really really trying to win.  And fighting it seems to take more mental energy than I can muster.

I still have a great attitude, or so I think.  But I know in the near future, I will collapse.  Physically?  Maybe.  Emotionally – hells yeah.  It will happen, as it always does.  The way it will present is anyone’s guess.  It’s been anything from complete bitchiness, withdrawal, tears, anger, an inability to do anything, lethargy, binge eating or drinking, or a whole façade of “I can do everything y’all better get out of my way” manic high thing. 

Is it helpful to know it’s coming?  I’m not sure.  Sometimes I think that means I’ve made progress.  Other times I think it’s a sign that I still don’t have this under control.  Am I complaining?  God I hope not!  I’m just being honest about what is rattling around in my brain right now.  In the grand scheme of things, life is great and all is well and I need to suck it up.  Which I am trying to do.  But sometimes, the crazy wins.  I’d love to kick crazy’s ass, but haven’t figured out how to do it just yet.

This is one of those posts I will not re-read.  I’m sure it has grammatical errors, and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  But if I stop to re-read it, it won’t see the light of day.  I will bury it.  Which is so my standard operating procedure.  Bury it, or bury my head in the sand.  Whatever.  I can’t be funny today.  I can’t relax today.  I just can’t.

Tomorrow will be better.  Actually today will be better, now that this is off my chest. 

It was a surprise to me, but not to Mike.

You may know (or may not I suppose) that Warren is into all things St. Louis Cardinals or Lego.  Oh wait.  He does love him some angry birds as well.  But the two big things are the Cardinals and Legos.  His room is a shrine to all things Cardinal baseball related and Legos.  I mean if you aren't a lego or a Cardinals player, you're not of any real importance to Warren G.  I'm just sayin'.  He watches every game he can, and comments along with Mike.  He's frustrated by bad calls by the umpires.  He's confused when Matheny doesn't start Molina.  It's hilarious.

One of the gifts I found for him for Christmas (which was basically Cardinals or Legos - duh), was a calendar for 2012, with all World Series pictures in it.  As an added bonus - every game is marked on that calendar including spring training.  I wandered into his room today to check what time the game started.  I stopped in my tracks as I checked the calendar and started giggling.  I called Mike into the room and showed him.  People, it has gone to a whole new level. 

He's tracking the score of each game on the calendar. 

Not only that - he's not taking the calendar down to write on it.  He's writing on it while it hangs, as evidenced by the demented looking writing - he generally has flawless cursive penmanship.  As an added bonus, he's made some comments on the bottom of April's page.

Sorry for the poor picture quality.  I took it with my cell phone!

I know it's hard to read from the glare, but it says 'stupid cubs and umpires'.  That my friends, is the piece de resistance.  Freaking hilarious.  And my apologies to Melinda and her beloved Cubbies.  But that's how we feel up in the House of WE.

Mike wasn't at all surprised.

My kid cracks me up.  And?  My kid is awesome.

 

Self-realization

Have you ever realized you’ve been a real asshole as a spouse lately?  Yeah, that’s the realization I’m having this morning.  

I’ve known it all week and hidden behind my headache – which is legit and never ending and so annoying – and my anxiety.  Both of those things are true things, and yes make a person be on edge, but it does not justify my butthead behavior and lashing out.

So I’ve sent an apology text to my hubs who is currently in a meeting, and I’m blogging about it.  It that like throwing myself on my sword?  What does that even mean anyway – if I threw myself on my sword I’d be dead, wouldn’t I?  I guess that’s one way to apologize.

Ugh, I need more patience, less headaches and perhaps more meds.  And I just need to be NICER. 

Seriously, being an adult and trying to be a good/better person is a never ending journey, isn’t it?  You’d think I’d have it mastered by now!  Ha! 

She might be seven, but she can be brilliant!

In the middle of a discussion with E yesterday...

"Mom, I try to listen to that little voice, my consciousness.  But sometimes, I can't hear it.  It's like it's barely there, and I'm trying to listen to it, but I can't hear it."

Yeah.  That happens to the best of us.  Consciousness?  Turn UP YOUR VOLUME! 

Also, random question.  If Jiminy Cricket is your conscience, who is your consciousness?

When doves cry, I mean stalk.

The doves are stalking me.

They walk my roof line.  They walk all over my porch.  They just hang out in the front of my house, waiting.  And while they wait, they do that coo'ing thing that I used to find lovely, and now I just find annoying. 

It's a stand off.  They're waiting for my baskets so they can use them for their homes and reproductive purposes.  I'm refusing to budge.  #1 - It's not yet Mother's Day, which is the random deadline for hanging baskets according to my family.  #2 - Seriously doves, you ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!

But there they are.  Waiting.  I try to shoo them away, and they just cock their little heads to the side and continue to coo.  I know what they are saying.  "Listen lady.  Get those damn baskets up.  I've got eggs to lay.  You know it's going to happen.  We know you won't throw us out.  Your mom would.  She thinks you're weak."  And this is all true.  The doves, they know me so well.

My mom is a bad ass when it comes to nature.  She'll tell you to throw the eggs and nest out.  "We've got enough of those birds.  They aren't endangered!  Throw their nests out and when the mom comes back, tell them maybe the dingo ate your babies!"  This is the same lady who patiently stalks moles in her yard with her shovel she refers to as her sharpshooter.  She'll flood them out, pop 'em up and whack 'em upside their heads!  Now I hate moles as much as the next guy, but I don't have the wherewithall to hunt them.

Anywho, the doves are waiting.  And I know they will win.  I'm contemplating some sort of decoy basket on a separate hook for them.  Then perhaps they will back off my flowers?

Meanwhile, the robins apparantly talked to the doves about the fine living over here at House of WE.  By the time I discovered this nest, it had three wittle robin eggs in it.  And now?  Three little baby robins.  No dingos over here.

We're just waiting here for our mother. 

I wish I could say TGIF, but I'm going to say WTHF - what the heck Friday?

Bad morning here at House of WE.  Following a bad night.

Let's see...  kissed Warren good night and on my way out the door he tells me, "momma, I'm sad."  Huh.  So I turn back and sit on the edge of his bed.  I wait.  The tears well up in his eyes and he tells me that he's started thinking about Truman (our dog) dying.  "I don't want him to die.  I want to die before he does.  And if he dies can we get another dog and name him Turman?"  Ouch.  So we talked for a bit.  I told him dogs can't live forever, but that Truman's not dying today and that we can't think about him dying all the time or we'd never get out of bed.  His stomach hurt, so we chatted a bit more, and then I told him it was time to focus on something else and to stop thinking about it.  As he went through is states and capitals, we decided where to meet in our dreams.

Finally in bed, I fell fast asleep only to wake at midnight to small child whispering something about peeing her bed, 'just a little bit mommy'.  UGH.  That makes two nights in a row, and of course we hadn't done all the laundry, so there was NOT a waterproof mattress pad on her bed.  For reals.  So we got up to change those sheets, and of course did not have pleasant things to say while doing so.  I mean two nights in a row from a girl who is about to turn 8 and has a history of lying, therefore I cannot believe her when she says she was in a deep sleep even though I know she is in fact a deep sleeper but I also know she can in fact, be an excellent liar.

A night full of bad dreams and I'm up at 6:30 to wake the kids.  They get going about their morning, and I hear them watching TV.  Is the dog fed?  Is the dishwasher unloaded?  Are the backpacks ready?  Is that homework being done right in front of the TV that is due today?  UGH again! 

So the momma roared.  Which is always so pleasant in the morning.  And while roaring, I tossed in the fact that Elaine would be needing to switch the laundry and re-make her bed when she got home from school.  Oy vey, the tears flowed and the pouting began.  As Warren grabbed the box of art supplies looking for glue I may or may not have suggested that if he left that box out I would smack him with it when he got home. 

Good thing that testing wrapped up yesterday!

And for the record?  Still on my meds.  No worries there.

 

Testing, 1 2 3

This week at school, Warren is taking the MAP test.  As are all the other third, fourth and fifth graders, and junior high students and probably high school students in our district.

It’s the standardized test I think it stands for Missouri Aptitude Test – you remember it from back in the day, or something like it.  Filling in dots and making your best guesses and your teacher is unable to help you because they have to just administer the test and not help?

Our school tries to hype the kids and families up about the importance of the test.  They talk about test taking strategies, getting a good night’s rest, eating a healthy breakfast, taking your time, doing your best and not stressing out.  There are posters in the hallway made by kids at our school showing you how to fill in your answer circle completely, and telling you not to stress out.

Guess who is stressed out?

Yeah, Warren.  I’m guessing he didn’t read the posters.  Either that or he thinks the fate of the entire school rests upon his test results.  As exhaustion set in Sunday night, he lost his marbles thinking about the test.  I reassured him that all he had to do was his part.  I explained that these tests did not affect his grades, and that he was one of many children taking the test, not the only one.   He was still convinced his test was of the utmost importance.

That kid.  He’s so like me sometimes it’s scary.

Elaine the hoarder is the newest member on my clean team. Shocking, I know!

Saturday Elaine and I cleaned a vacant house my stepmom is listing for sale.  It was a dirty disaster.  When E said she wanted to come, I seriously thought she'd help for 10 minutes and then bail.  She worked her tiny little butt off for 4 1/2 hours.  For some reason, she thought it was the best bonding experience ever.  I wish I had brought a recording device with me, because she was one funny little girl on Saturday.  Here are a few quotes I remember...

"It's so great spending time with you, because you're so busy all the time."

"This house is disgusting.  Well it's a nice house but it's a shame it's so dirty."

"You know a lot about cleaning, that is so good!"

"What if the police think we are robbers and come in here to arrest us?" 

"I don't want to vacuum in there.  I can't see you, and it's freaking me out a little bit."

As she did cartwheels in empty rooms..."I wish we had a room in our house where I could put all gymnastics stuff.  You know a beam, and the bars and a trampoline?"

"I'm glad we're eating this healthy lunch for working hard!"

"Daddy picked the right wife, and Grammie had the right kid!"

"We are not ever going to move are we?  Because I love our house and it would make me sad to move."

"When we get home, can we keep hanging out together?  We could make cookies, or bake something?  We haven't baked something in a long time!"

"You know what?  You're a great mom.  You really are!"

"I wish someone would invent a vacuum that is quieter.  Sometimes that think creeps me out and scares the heebeejeebees out of me!"

This morning she told me she was mad that I'd be finishing the houe without her!  Hilarious! Of course, our house is a mess and who can be bothered to clean here?