While I'm running...
I alternate between feeling like a gazelle and a hippo.
I feel as if I could run for miles and then as if I could not run one more step.
I think of my to do list and my goals, and then I think of the things I have not accomplished and things I have fallen behind on.
I'm filled with gratitude for my family and for the health of my dad and then I'm filled with regret over a recent crappy parenting moment.
I smile as I think of something my besties would find funny, only to then think of what a shitty friend I am and how I haven't seen them in forever.
I sing along to the songs blaring through my headphones and find comfort in my cousin running and keeping pace next to me. Thank goodness we've reconnected and she's pushing me through this! Then I wonder how many more songs until we are finished.
I wager a guess as to what our pace is today, and tell myself that I could care less. Moments later, I wish I could run faster.
I recall that years ago I would not and could not run, and now here I am running on a regular basis. I'm proud, until I think of how much more weight I need to lose and how much farther there is left to go.
Mike tells me on a regular basis to stop being so hard on myself. Dude, I know I should. I want to I want to set a great example for my children. Yet I can't stop it. It's there, this self-doubt and self- loathing. I'd love to be able to punch it in the face and be done with it! I mean just look at what my brain does when I allow it to wander and wonder... Please tell me I'm not alone in this wacked mindset. You all do this to yourself too, right? If you don't, please tell me how to make it stop!
We shouldn't do this to ourselves. We should be proud of who we are and live in the moment. We should raise ourselves up. And I KNOW THAT. But someone didn't give my brain the memo!
I'm proud of you. I'm proud of me. You're okay. I'm okay. We're all good!
And that's enough.