Yesterday wound up being one of 'those' days. You know the kind. When you think you'll get 100 things done, and instead you manage to accomplish five, none of which were on your list in the first place. And then you want to eat crappy, and so you do, and surprise! You then feel crappy. What a shock. I mean who knew?
I ended up being stuck in my own head (I can't think of another way to describe it) for the rest of the day. I knew that feeling this way would end poorly, but I couldn't seem to do anything to stop it. Therefore, when neither Elaine nor Warren remembered to bring home the new lunch menu from school, I lost it. Becuase CLEARLY, having the lunch menu is oh so important. And forgetting to get said lunch menu after having been reminded by me that morning was clearly some sort of indicator of how irresponsible my children are. Ugh. As we loaded into the car to head to Elaine's gymnastics class I started on a tirade about the lunch menu. I heard myself and how ridiculous I sounded, but I couldn't stop my mouth from running.
By the time we got to gymnastics, I realized how much I'd blown the whole thing out of proportion. But did I apologize? Nope. Because as we walked in to the gym, I noticed Elaine was pouting because her mom was upset with her. Yep - more tirade.
Elaine started class and Warren and I headed up the observation area. In that observation area, I finally chilled the hell out and took a look at myself. I remember my mom having similar tirades when I was a child. The kind where you are ready to argue with her but you suddenly realize it will get you nowhere but into trouble, so you back down. And inside your head you are making that crazy symbol (you know the corkscrew motion near your ear), and you just tune her out. Do I have these tirades at times because I'm my mother's daughter? Or is it simply because I'm a mother?
Regardless of the reason, I apologized to my children for the way I had handled things. I didn't make any excuses, although I had plenty prepared. I went with the simple, "sorry I lost it - that was completely unnecessary". I thought about beating myself up, but used those excuses as a justification for my momentary lapse in judgement. I thought about how my mom is a great mom even though I had to live through a few tirades as a child, and realized that this is (hopefully) normal.
Let's hope my kids will someday come to the same conclusion. And if not, let's hope I can up my zoloft dose. Ha!