Roar. I'm roaring at myself.

I'm in a mode of self-destruction.  Destruction is not the best word to describe it...  I guess I'm just mainly frustrated with myself.

My mind is going a million places at once which means I can't get anything done well.  I'm doing each thing half-assed and last minute.  Which leads to me being disappointment in myself.  I'm not a half-assed last minute gal.  No way, no how.  I can't keep my schedule straight and I'm forgetting dates.  I feel like my brain is failing me at times.  Freaking frustrating.

I'm made that I got a cold.  Ridiculous, no?  But I was getting very cocky about my healthier diet and regular excercise that I assumed I was untouchable as far as cooties go. 

I'm burying my head in the sand when it comes to our finances here at House of WE.  I'm aware, I'm working on the budget, but when tough decisions have to be made, I think somewhere in the back of my head I'm hoping money will fall from the sky and everything will be okay.  And that's not like me.  I like to tackle things and be done with them.  I'm realistic and yet I'm hiding.  Now I'm mad at myself for being a coward.

I made a resolution to myself in Septmber of 2011 to be a more involved parent and wife.  To be "present".  You know what I mean?  To not sweat the small stuff.  And by doing that, my other things are gong to the wayside.  The small stuff - the laundry, the house, the groceries.  And that's all okay, and was part of my plan.  I knew this would happen.  Except for suddenly it'll make me  flip out and right this instant I can't take the piles of dirty clothes that are like a flashing failure sign over my head.

Is this all ridiculous and overly dramatic?  You betcha.  Do I know this?  Of course.  But can I stop my brain?  Not a chance.

So guess where all this lead?  To another breakdown.  Last night.

What the hell?

And you know that me crying made me angry at myself even more.  I do an excellent job of beating myself up about things.  No one needs to do it for me.  But in all honestly, I had gotten so much better about it and then bam it's all bad again.  Is it that time of the month?  Probably.  Am I still taking my Zoloft?  Regularly.  It's just a bad stretch and I need to give myself permission to be a mess for a moment.  Perhaps then I could pull myself back together.

I have a laptop now.  I'm slowly and surely moving my calendar items and contacts and whatnot over.  I'm making lists - not all in the same place, which is clearly a problem.  Will anyone die from a year or two of us tightening our belts?  Absolutely not.  Will Mike and I work as hard as we can to make it better?  Fo'sho'.  Does everyone in my house have clean clothes to wear and food to eat?  Yep.  Every dinner does not have to be fabulous.  Laundry baskets are meant to hold dirty clothes and sometimes runneth over.  Toilets get dirty as do floors, counters and everything else. 

It's okay.

It's OKAY.

Serenity now, serenity now. 

I'm seriousl fine and I will continue to be fine.  But it's therapeutic for me to write this all out and be done with it.  It's like closure or something.  Thanks for letting me do this.

Comments

[Jessie]

OMG why did I read this? I have enough anxiety of my own, now I can't breathe!
For real though, that will just always happen to us. Fine fine fine fine fine, NOT FINE, fine fine fine fine fine. It will be ok.