I'm here.
I know I haven't been a great blogger as of late, but it's been eh and blah and hectic here to say the least. And then there was yesterday.
Yesterday was a horrid crappy day. Full of normal bad kid behavior but apparently I lacked any calmness/patience/kindness. Because, well... I lost it. I talked sternly. I demanded excellent behavior. I threatened/cajoled whatever you want to call it. And they were... kids. Elaine couldn't stand that it was Warren's checkup and wanted attention. W was pissed he had to get a chicken pox booster. Elaine was mad Warren got his sticker first. Elaine was freaked that she'll be getting shots at her five year check up. You see where this is going, right?
Next up the library where I had to pay 19.99 for a movie we lost. And by we, I mean Elaine, who is SO not bothered by the ordeal, but I had flashbacks to losing The Giving Tree back in the day. We picked out new stuff. Elaine pulled movie after movie off the shelves while I grabbed her firmly by the hand, sat her in a chair and told her NOT TO TOUCH ANOTHER MOVIE FOR THE LUVOFGAWD. Warren had to use the bathroom. Elaine had to block a kid in at the computer so she could stare over his shoulder. There was some sort of a battle as to who would place the books on the checkout counter, and a tipped over chair, and on and on and on until...
I lost it. In the car, but I lost it. I completely lost my shit. Judge me if you will, but it can be no worse than how I judged myself yesterday. I calmly and in my most filled with vile voice said, "you two are done. I am furious." And I went on to drop the f*bomb and mention jerks. During which Warren cried and Elaine? Oh she giggled. Which of course added to my fury.
Then back home and more fighting and more being sent to the rooms. And let's go out to eat because I can't stand it. Or, let's sit down at Applebees only to have Warren freak out about his stomach hurting and then we left. And we got home and everyone cried. Everyone except Mike who had to pull it together for all of us.
I apologized. But most likely, the damage is done. And un-doable. And I remember when my mom would lose it. And I know we all lose it, and I didn't lay a hand on them. But the verbal... oh it can hurt just as bad. I apologized for my behavior to Warren and then to Elaine. I said that I did not react well to their poor behavior and that I was sorry. Sometimes moms make mistakes. Just like kids.
And then I spent the rest of the night feeling like a shithead. A failure.
We leave for a family vacation on Friday. And boy do we all need it. We're driving to Florida to see my brother in law and family, and my mother in law. And we'll have a week of no school, no work, all of us together. Generally, this would stress me out. But part of me cannot wait. Cannot wait to reconnect, relax, and replenish. Perhaps live down the failure of Tuesday.